Healing the Self

These are just some musings on the nature of self and consciousness.

The Ways We Learned to Stay Safe

If you grew up where discipline, especially by "strong" male figures or older brothers, etc. was what kept behaviors and rules, then you probably grew up knowing when to reel it in, shut up, and know your place.

If you were the younger, physically weaker one amongst your group or family... then backing down or raging out may have been what actually kept you safe.

Really, this can be true if you were bullied at all, even subtly in your childhood.

I never would have considered myself bullied or abused, but I did know when to steer clear, back down... and if I was ever cornered, rage was my best defense.

Mainly it worked, and I was able to stay safe or stand up for myself when and how I needed.

When Old Protection Stops Serving Us

But the parts and energy systems that I learned along the way, the ones that became an integral part of who I was... my identity, and just my way of feeling safe and "OK" ... eventually didn't really serve me anymore.

An angry person was no longer a potential threat to me.

Unfortunately, even when that is true, it doesn't mean those habits, and ways of being and knowing just change... they just become our unconscious parts that run the show.

Sometimes the parts that once protected us become the parts we resent.

A fear of being bullied or controlled... that would protect me when I was younger, now just gives me an anxiety that I resent. I feel it, I notice it... and I resent it. I want to beat it. I beat myself up for these feelings that I don't need and don't quite understand.

What If the Protective Part Is Not an Enemy?

But, what if that protective part of me is not an enemy to overcome...

Although the actions and feelings that it creates within me are no longer needed, the source was something that did once protect me.

What if we could come into conscious contact with that energy within us, and let it know that we are safe now, and we are a capable adult and our worth and safety are now OK?

Conscious contact with these parts of us can allow us to actually embrace ourselves, and all parts of ourselves so that we are not at war with what once protected us.

The Energy Does Not Disappear

And what happens to the energy that was once hypervigilant in protecting us physically and emotionally?

That energy doesn't just dissipate, it transforms and re-purposes within the system.

Perhaps the very same energy that is busy detecting threats, is the energy that wants to experience awe and wonder?

Or maybe it's the energy that wants to manifest in compassion once it's safe.

Hurt Parts, Healed Parts

We often say that hurt people, hurt people; and healed people heal people.

It's the same for those parts of ourselves.

Hurt parts hurt other parts, and healed parts heal other parts.

It's wild to think that in meditation we often dismiss these parts of ourselves as "the monkey mind" and leave it out in the cold.

Hearing the Knock

But if we can hear the knock and show up, embracing those parts, understanding their actions and impulses from a place of compassion, they will willingly integrate themselves back into alignment with the safety that we provide.